Winning a face-off with depression
After her father’s death, Nikki Sliwak used sports to fight depression, anxiety
By Roy Henry and Kyle Hobstetter on May 13, 2021
Nikki Sliwak was only 3 years old when her father, Robert, died during the attacks on the World Trade Center on Sept. 11, 2001. He was working as a bond broker for Cantor Fitzgerald, in the north tower of the World Trade Center, when he died at age 42.
She says she doesn’t remember the days, weeks or even months afterward. Or her dad. She relies on the stories that her mom and his friends tell about an amazing, kind-hearted man who made everyone smile.
She didn’t begin to process his death until she was about 11. That’s when she started to suffer from depression and anxiety. During high school, she developed an eating disorder.
“I went through middle school to high school without putting a name on it,” the Wantaugh, New York, native says. “I wasn’t happy. I was crying all the time, and lacrosse and sports were my outlet.”
She was a 2016 Under Armour All-American and spent four years at the University of Maryland, helping the Terrapins win two national championships, before spending her last year of eligibility helping the Tigers make the 2021 NCAA Tournament.
Most importantly to her, she used sports to connect to her dad, who played college football at Central Connecticut State University. Sliwak wears No. 34, her dad’s number.
“I felt like he was there with me,” she says about wearing his number. “But during these times of depression, I wasn’t able to play my best. And I felt like I had to be perfect to make him proud.”
Her depression got so bad that she didn’t want to play sports anymore. There were times that she would look over toward the crowd and think, “Why isn’t my dad there? He would have been just as good a father as all those other dads.”
Sliwak’s mom, Susan, was the first to notice Sliwak was suffering from a form of PTSD and told her daughter about the family history of depression.
“As I got older, I learned it isn’t normal to feel like this,” Sliwak says. “My mom really helped me through it, because she was the one who really pointed it out to me.”
Sliwak started to work on her depression and anxiety when she got to college. At Maryland, she thought she was better, especially riding the high of playing Division I lacrosse.
But college wasn’t everything she thought it was going to be. She was one of the top recruits in New York and an All-American, but she admits once you get to college, those accolades don’t mean much.
An “A” student in high school, Sliwak struggled with harder college classes and spent her freshman year on the bench. Her depression and anxiety crept back into her life.
She couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep and, most importantly, she couldn’t communicate how she was feeling to her teammates. The scariest thing was that she was losing her passion for lacrosse—and her connection with her dad.
So after struggling through her sophomore year, she went on antidepressants.
“My entire life changed,” she says. “It really put everything into perspective. I felt like a new person. When you’re hiding from it, especially being a student-athlete and a Division I athlete, no one talks about it. It’s swept under the rug sometimes. When I was able to tell people, I felt a release out of my body. Just saying it out loud made a world of difference.”
Now a member of the Towson University women’s lacrosse team, Sliwak is making the most of her final year of eligibility. She admits her time at Maryland didn’t exactly go the way she wanted it to.
She says the TU coaches and her teammates have welcomed her with open arms, and she repaid them by being second on the team in points with 30 goals and 22 assists and helping the Tigers earn an at-large bid in the NCAA Tournament.
“I’ve never been more grateful in my life for being at Towson University,” she says. “I got a chance here to rewrite the ending to my story the way I wanted it to be. For that I am so grateful. “
As she ends her college career, Sliwak looks back at her life and how important sports have been to her mental health. That’s why she has been honest about her depression.
She is hoping that other student-athletes won’t hesitate to get the help that they need.
“I’ve seen people struggle,” she says. “I got to a point in my life where I felt like it was time to share my story because if it could help one person, then that was more than enough for me.”
Sliwak will get at least one more game as a Tiger on Friday, May 14, as the women’s lacrosse team travels to Stony Brook for the opening round of the NCAA Tournament. The game starts at 12 p.m. and can be viewed online through ESPN 3.
Counseling Center
Dealing with Depression
According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, in 2017 an estimated 17.3 million adults in the United States experienced at least one major depressive episode. Studies have shown that depression is one of the leading presenting concerns of college students seeking mental health services. Depression can affect a students ability to work, study, interact with peers, or take care of themselves.
If you are wondering or worried about your mental health wellness, you may take the Counseling Center’s free, online Mental Health Screening. They also offer several services for those seeking mental health help for depression: